A Responsible Guy

TOM. [leans in] My girlfriend eats money. I mean really. You think it’s funny but I’m not kidding. I don’t mean she eats money like I have to take her to restaurants all the time and buy her expensive shit or whatever. I mean she eats money. Like she takes the bills and puts them in her mouth and chews. Look, man, I know you think I’m crazy but I’m telling the truth here. Here, here, look [he produces a half-bitten toonie]. Toonies are her favourite.

[beat]

[with more confidence] I’m not shitting you. This isn’t the kind of thing I like to bring up, you know? I don’t want all the guys talking that my girl’s got some problem. But I really don’t have the money. I don’t have any money. I’m in so much shit right now I can’t even think about that. Man, you’ve gotta do me just one more favour. Please. I’m gonna get evicted if I miss out another month of rent. I’m gonna have nothing to eat. I’m gonna have to start eating dirt! You really want that to happen?

[beat]

I’m trying as hard as I can to get outta this, like I’m trying to figure out some way to write this off my taxes. Like I know this guy who’s got kids and he writes off sending them to his sister’s house as childcare or something. There’s gotta be a way I can put my girlfriend down as a legit expense. She can’t even support herself, you know, she just got fired, she was working down at the Second Cup on Front? But her boss caught her snacking on quarters from the cash and she got fired. She has this real obvious way, she’ll try to hide it for a bit, first she kind of licks the coin on both sides like an Oreo or something, then she nibbles on the crusts and then when she gets nearer to the middle she just pops it all into her mouth and it’s gone. Her boss was like, “What are you doing?” And she was like “I’m sorry, I have this condition, I was really hungry” but the boss fucking discriminates, clearly. So Jen’s screwed – that’s my girlfriend, Jen – and now I gotta pay the rent and feed her all at the same time. I mean why can’t she be some normal chick who eats like two carrots for lunch and says she’s full, that’s gotta be so much cheaper.

[beat]

Man, I know I haven’t been the best the last few weeks but I really, really need this money right now and I mean, you’ve got your job and you’ll be fine if I don’t pay you just one more week... You know I’d do the same for you. Because when I run out of money she gets pretty sick and I’m not gonna let my girlfriend get sick like that, you know, I’m a responsible guy, I wouldn’t just let her get sick like that. But this girl, she eats like ten loonies a day, and she makes these salads of twenties, and then puts little ripped-up bits of fifties as like bacon or croutons or whatever. Fifties! Her birthday cake was a stack of tens and twenties with gold nougat icing, it cost me four hundred fucking dollars. When we go to the movies she eats pennies out of a Ziploc bag. I don’t know what to do, it’s like, sometimes I think I should go rob a bank or something just so she can stop bugging me for extra change. I wouldn’t do that, I’m not that kind of guy, but I’m just saying...